It's Been a While...

"It's been a while since I could say that I wasn't addicted and
It's been a while since I could say I loved myself as well and..."

This song has been playing in my head quite a bit lately. I am a recovering addict to opiates and benzodiazepines. Although I have maintained control over my opiate addiction without ever needing any intervention or detox, I still must make somewhat of a conscious effort to reject them when they are offered. Thankfully, it is not extraordinarily difficult.

I first became addicted to opiates about 18 years ago when I was incorrectly diagnosed with TMJ. Ultimately, it turned out to be a dental related infection which had symptoms mirroring those of TMJ. At the time my primary care physician, fresh out of medical school and working in her husband's established practice, handed out prescriptions for narcotic pain relievers with impunity. After the first month during the almost year she would continue to allow refills, I became addicted.

I'm not certain if any narcotics help alleviate pain because that has never been my personal experience. For me, they simply made me not care about the pain. Not only that but the feeling of anxiety, which at that time I was not fully aware I was suffering from, was quelled as well. It was as if these magic pills controlled an on and off switch in my brain. The Off switch, which left me in panic over the pain and wondering how much worse it may become, if I would be able take care of all my responsibilities at home and then go to work, if I would need surgery and what if I died during surgery leaving my baby and my husband behind? So many racing thoughts that left me breathless and my heart pounding and in nearly unbearable agony. Then there was the On switch. I still had the same thoughts, fears and pain but there was a buffer between those things and myself. They were still there but they couldn't attack me with the same effect. And the opiates helped me sleep. My intention was never to feel a high, only to feel numb. I got what I wished for.

Due to several surgeries in the past decade as well as a few accidents, I have been offered opiates and in most cases refused them, opting for over the counter pain relievers like acetaminophen or ibuprofen. If I were to say it didn't take every bit of my resolve to refuse a medication I know would flip the switch in my brain to the on position, allowing me a break from the weight of my fears, I'd be lying. It was beyond difficult to refuse in those earlier years. Now it's to the point where it has become almost automatic for me to refuse any kind of narcotic pain medication. While I strongly feel I have my opiate addiction under control, the same cannot be said regarding my addiction to benzodiazepines.

Unbeknownst to my family, I am back on Klonopin and have been for over a year. Even after being dangerously and wrongfully detoxed (in my opinion) from it in a rehabilitation facility over a year and a half ago, I managed to persuade my primary to put me back on them in February of last year. I am not glad to be on them. I'm ashamed I managed to manipulate my doctor into re-prescribing them. She has taken some precautions though. I have only been allowed 2/3 the original dosage I was prescribed when I first went on the medication four years ago. This is the medication my family was glad to see me taken off of. On this medication, when I was taking my highest prescribed dosage, I became someone they didn't like too much. Someone who was less easy to manipulate. Towards the end I began to push people away. Ultimately I just seemed to become ambivalent towards everything as I continued to introvert. It is this particular medication which officially landed me the label of addict in my medical records. I only agree with that assessment to a certain degree. If saying I am an addict is equal to feeling like I am not able to live without Klonopin, then yes, I am an addict. Very much as I am an addict to oxygen, water and food. I cannot live without any of those things. Klonopin has been the only medication that has kept me here. Alive. The enormity of my irrational fears has been greatly diminished with the use of Klonopin as well as my desire to cause myself harm (This is not the post where I will go into detail about the compulsion to self-harm). Although it's been a struggle to function on even the most basic level on such a low dosage, it's better than nothing-but not by much. Again, my defense in not wanting to be labeled an addict to this medication is because, to me, an addict is someone who achieves a high-a state of euphoria from a drug. I have never felt euphoric while taking Klonopin. All I have ever experienced was calmness when on the appropriate dose and numbness on the rare occasion when I doubled my dose. My addiction was to not feeling torturous and debilitating fear. I was addicted to not feeling like I wanted to rip my skin off due to the constant crawling beneath it's surface that made me shake from head to toe. I was addicted to not having the perpetual feeling of impending death looming over my head. If those things make me an addict, then so be it, I was and still am an addict.

Having admitted all that, I now want to state unequivocally; I don't want to be remain on Klonopin. It isn't fixing anything. I understand this. It's just a bandage that disintegrates as time elapses-never healing the wound-only covering it temporarily. What I desire is resolution. I want to feel whole. Normal. The new medication I am taking, Depakote, is not giving me any problems thus far and tonight I graduate to my full dosage of 1500mg. While I am not feeling noticeably better yet, as it is too early for the full effects of the medication to be felt, I am holding out hope this will be the last medication I will have to try in order to get my brain chemistry issues resolved-if that is at all a possibility.