On Hold

That's what I feel like. I am on hold. I am struggling day to day, going though the motions without really being there and waiting for my next (new) therapy appointment. At least this time I am certain I will be speaking with a therapist not a prescription pusher. I resent the last person I went to for telling me she felt I was suffering from multiple mixed mood disorders (Bi-polar disorder). That brilliant diagnosis came about a half hour into my evaluation. So here I am again, in a limbo of sorts and I feel so absolutely broken.

It's not easy to wait like this. I am waiting exactly one month to the day since my last appointment which I had waited a L-O-N-G twenty days to arrive. That wait was draining and to go all that time (in normal person time it isn't that long but during severe depression/anxiety person time it was a virtual eternity) only to find out I'd be receiving no counseling whatsoever was like being shoved back down after I just barely summoned the courage to stand.

The last few weeks have been fairly busy. Much more so than I have been up for, but I do just about everything I have to-never feeling my efforts are sufficient and feeling tremendous guilt over the things I don't accomplish. I know it's awful and lazy and inexcusable but I'd much rather be in bed with the covers pulled securely over my head. I'm sick of waking up each day wondering what is going to go wrong today?

Most night's I go to bed with an agenda for the following day and I try to psyche myself up to get things done but then the next morning rolls around and there I am, wishing I could turn the clock back another eight hours. It's not that I enjoy sleep. Maybe if I slept well and woke up feeling refreshed, which I have absolutely no clue  or memory of what that feels like, perhaps I might not want to stay in bed. Physical pain, which is not a new symptom, and overwhelming fear, sadness and hopelessness make it so difficult to get through my days.

The new therapist appointment is May 20th. I am trying my best to be hopeful.